You could also kill prostitutes. GTA was so unoriginal. At least this one was a mutant.

I asked him on twitter and received the following reply:

“doesn’t that define the Wasteland experience?”

I think we can take that as a definite confirmation.

As a side note, it’s rather sad how few videogames treat prostitutes as real people (though in Wasteland’s case, there’s also the whole “are mutants real people” debate to deal with). Maybe Wasteland 2 will show some progression in this area, since Obsidian are involved and they tend to treat the topic of prostitution a little more maturely than most other major game developers.

But hey, sex with three-legged chick! I wonder if that means she has two… well, you can probably see where this train of thought is heading.

(I’M WONDERING IF SHE HAS TWO VAGINAS)

BONUS CONTENT:

A joke!

Paddy took his goldfish to the veterinarian. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he said. The vet looked at it and said, “It seems okay to me.” Paddy said, “Wait till I take it out of the bowl!”

Additionally, I quite enjoy this youtube video:

Yes, players are actually connected to a server so that when they die, the corpse they leave behind can not only be seen by other players, but also walked on (and jumped on if they feel like being particularly disrespectful). Through their dead bodies, players leave warnings of trap locations and can even help each other reach new areas via stacking their bodies on top of each other. It would all make a good party if everyone was naked.

Anyway, I decided to see how far I could take these carrion mechanics, and by that I mean I wanted to see if I could ruin the game for everyone else. The short answer: Yes, I could.

There is one trap where spikes come crushing down from the ceiling.  I kept jumping into it again and again, all at different heights, until eventually I made this:

EMERGENT GAMEPLAY

It was now impossible to make it past this section thanks to my wall of bodies. I thought it was pretty amusing, and I didn’t have to feel too bad since new deaths replace old ones, so the wall would disappear over time. I really wish I could have seen how people reacted to it when they bumped into it, though.

I encountered a similar thing in Dark Souls, another multiplayer-singleplayer game. Players can help each other out in a number of ways, but the most common method is leaving simple messages dotted about the landscape for others to read (created by combining a selection of preset words and half-sentences).

At one point, I found a message which simply stated “Jump here”, directing to a well. I had my suspicions that it was a trick, but it could also have been a secret! Since I was right by a save point and had little to lose if I died, I went ahead and jumped in… and immediately fell to my death.

I thought it was amusing and started leaving my own messages of that nature about, but this didn’t last long. Dark Souls is a notoriously difficult game, and I was always incredibly grateful when a message actually told me something helpful, and decided I’d like to do the same for others.

Either that or I’m just not as much of a dick as I was a few years ago. YOU DECIDE, DEAR AND ASSUREDLY ATTRACTIVE READER.

BONUS CONTENT:

A joke!

Why couldn’t Billy climb the tree? Because Billy is a goldfish!

Why did I specify a goldfish? Because some fish can climb trees.

Additionally, here’s a song about a monster in my pants:

With this development, it seems like a great time to post a little piece I wrote about the original game a few years back. Enjoy!

I’m a big fan of Larry’s adventures. Because they involve sex, yes, but that’s not the only reason. After all, as Al Lowe repeatedly reiterates, the primary humour surrounding Larry’s appeal is his constant humiliation in addition to the satirising of modern life and society. Also, did you know more women play the game than men? All these excuses and more are used by fans to convince others that they’re not big ol’ pervos.

The first in the series is my favourite for several reasons, but mainly due to the sheer amount of fun stuff they managed to cram into such tiny space. The phone sex adlibs, the customised condom scene, the many Easter eggs that spring from the text parser, gambling, managing money (it’s a simulation of real life!) and so on and so forth. The seventh game came close to matching it, what with the Where’s Dildo game, the optional text parser (sometimes it’s more fun typing commands, especially in a game with lots of SEX), the scratch and sniff card, plenty of gratuitous nudity and all that jizz. I mean, jazz!

Good heavens, what an embarrassing slip of the fingers!

But there’s something Larry Suit Larry 7: Love for Sail lacks that the original game has… HEART.

Okay, so at first the only objective is to sink Larry’s battleship, but after this is quickly accomplished with what appears to be a very experienced hooker, it becomes a quest to fulfil the desire of Larry’s heart, not just his wing dang doodle.

Really, it’s something I should have paid attention to when I first played. In fact, I could have learned a lot from it. The embarrassment and awkwardness I’d feel when buying my first pack of condoms. The fact that one should always dispose of said condoms thoughtfully after use, and use them in the first place to avoid a spontaneously combusting cock.

Now that I think about it, Leisure Suit Larry should be taught in Sex Ed classes all around the globe.

It would have also been a warning about certain early experiences I’d have with women. Pursuing them would often lead to humiliation. Some would manipulate you, only to dispose of you liked a soiled tissue once got what they wanted. Some would lead you on only to reveal they have a boyfriend when you finally muster up enough courage to ask for their number. And just when you think you found the perfect woman, she’ll immediately dump you at the start of the next game.

Come to think of it, the original Larry was an incredibly cynical game. I suppose that appeals to me right now because I’m still bitter from a recent break-up. She said some crap about how I never listened to her or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.

No, it was Leisure Suit Larry III: Passionate Patti in Pursuit of the Pulsating Pectorals (originally intended to be the closing title of a trilogy) that truly gave Larry some heart. SPOILER WARNING: Larry finally finds true love and receives a happy ending (and not the kind you have to pay extra for, ho ho). Here’s hoping this will turn out to be true to my life, too.

Here’s hoping.

Here’s… hoping.

Or maybe I should just get laid.

BONUS CONTENT:

A joke;

People in hell…where do they tell someone to go?

Additionally, someone has ported Sierra’s Jones in the Fast Lane to flash! It’s a video board game about modern living that occasionally feels just a little too much like real life. Can you keep up with Jones? CAN YOU?

Well, guess what, dear and attractive reader! I have exciting news! I got in contact with the creators and received the following reply:

We are still hard at work on Dark Presence.  With opening up the Galloping Ghost Arcade it had taken most of the staff away from the production end but we are definitely back on track and it should be out this year. 

Booyah! Why the excitement? Well just take a look at these screenshots:

Now you look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to play that.

Liar. Find out more about the game HERE.

But I also have bad news. It appears that They Came From Hollywood, the isometric building stomper, is canned for good despite it being one of the first indie games to receive major press coverage. I tried contacting them but was told their inbox was full, a very bad sign. Last I heard, the two-person team were busy working on amusement park rides.

Damn shame, I was really looking forward to stomping away on a dance mat. Oh well, there’s always Rampage (which I still insist is one of the greatest party games ever). There’s also AAARGH! and Crush, Crumble and Chomp (the main inspiration for TCFH) but they’re both a bit long in the razor sharp tooth. Are there any other good giant monster games out there? Probably! Maybe not all of the Godzilla games suck, for example.

BONUS CONTENT:

Speaking of old indie games, here’s Big Adventure of Owata’s Life, the hilarious ASCII masocore game that inspired I Wanna Be The Guy. PROTIP: You don’t have to go left on the first screen. You don’t even have to go right.

A joke:

I finally figured out why I’m fat. For years I’ve used a shampoo labeled “for extra body.” I’m going to switch to Dawn dishwashing soap because it says, “Dissolves hard to remove fat!”

Anyway, the people behind it (which includes myself) want to display an ALL NEW Pirate Kart at the Game Developers Conference this year, and only you (and anyone else interested) can help make it happen! The organisers are not far from hitting their target, plus you get some cool stuff for donating such as copies of VVVVVV and Galcon Fusion and SHIRTS! Yes, SHIRTS!

Simply click here for more details! It will tell you how even YOU can contribute games and have them shown at GDC!

BONUS CONTENT:

Here’s a collection of extremely charming and entertaining casual flash games. Orisinal made quite a stir back in the day, it’s nice to see they’re still around.

A joke:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went out for some romantic camping. That night, lying in their tent, Holmes pulled out a jar of lemon curd and started smearing it around Dr. Watson’s butt. “Sherlock! What are you doing?” asked the doctor. Sherlock grinned and said, “It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson!”

Oh, and also find out what my (perhaps imaginary) readers actually enjoy.

I have the following Steam keys on offer!

Humble Bundle #1: World of Goo, Aquaria, Gish, Lugaru HD and Penumbra.

Humble Bundle #3: Crayon Physics Deluxe, Cogs, VVVVVV, And Yet it Moves and Hammerfight. GONE!

And also a key for Gish.

Wow, what a great selection of games!

To win a one of the three keys, simply post a comment below mentioning your favourite piece of writing that I was responsible for (or what you enjoy most about my writing). Bonus points if you post it on your blog or twitter or whatever else!

I’ll pick the winners at random and contact them… somehow… I guess you should leave a way of contacting you!

If no one enters, I’m just going to hand them out to friends, so be quick!

Right now I want to talk about its silent protagonist. These occasionally work, generally in quirky action adventures where the writers can use it as part of the humour, but in a “serious” title like F.E.A.R, the PC’s lack of communication skills just boils my butter. Instead of immersing the player in their role like it’s meant to, all it really does is force a gigantic invisible wall between them and the game.

There is a scene early on in the game, for example, where the player is suddenly hit by bizarre hallucinations (or are they!) and is confronted by the very person their team was sent to hunt down and terminate WITHOUT PREJUDICE. Does the PC ever bother saying to his pal “Yo, dude, I just saw some whacked out shit, g”? No, apparently it wasn’t worth mentioning.

But Mister Freeman takes the cake, which I assure you is not a lie (ha ha, that was a reference to Portal!) He consistently demonstrates blatant anti-social behaviour, showing absolutely no compassion or providing support when people need it the most, especially towards Alyx, opting to throw things at her head instead.

But the clincher for me actually happened early on in the game when I came across a Resistance outpost. It had been attacked by the Combine, ransacked and wiped out. I heard a radio chattering away in a corner, so moved Freeman towards it. The voice on the other side was asking if we were okay, if anything had happened. Did Gordon answer their calls, perhaps warning them that the Combine are likely headed straight for them?

No, of course not, he just started throwing paint cans around the room.

What an enormous twat.

Valve have always attained that the player was supposed to feel like they’re Gordon. Clearly they don’t think much of their audience.

BONUS CONTENT:

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says “Make me one with everything.”

Also, Christian dubstep. FINALLY.

That’s my Voxatron impression. An alpha build recently became the centre of another Humble Bundle offer, something I’m not sure I approve of, but I bought it anyway so here are some thoughts on the twinstick shooter.

Well, it certainly looks lovely with all those voxels flying around all over the place. The Adventure Mode also has some lovely ambience but let’s focus on how it actually plays. As a Robotron clone, it has high standards to meet since Eugene Jarvis’ creation is one of my favourite arcade games. I get hard just thinking about playing it. That’s right, I’m hard right now. Get a good image of that in your mind.

I don’t have too much to say in regards to the Adventure Mode, partly because it’s still very early (and short) and partly because it’s actually looking pretty swish right now (swish means good). Most of this mode still involves blasting enemies in an undeniably arcade fashion, but it’s also heavy on set-pieces interspersed with simple puzzley and platformy bits that makes a rather enjoyable romp all together.

Problems worth mentioning is that it’s quite tedious going into a room with only one life remaining, as it becomes a case of dying over and over again until you’re given a health bonus. It also badly needs multiple camera angles. Some of the platformy bits were needlessly cumbersome due to the awkward angle, and a few battles would have been much more playable from a different point of view.

Actually, Adventure Mode really reminds me of Bomberman 64. Anyone remember that? It was ACE, but of course all the reviews slammed it because it wasn’t 2D which was a bad thing at the time. The previous year, every game that wasn’t 3D got slammed instead. Oh, gaming media, when will you learn.

But it’s the arcade mode where the problems really are. Some of the bigger ones INCLUDE:

* Destructible environments are cool until you get stuck inside a tiny hole in a wall.
* For the love of Golden Girls, stop letting me shoot power-ups away. Not only is it annoying having to chase after them,  they also act as cover for enemies. Perhaps the designer thought it would add strategy to the game, but ultimately it only adds tedium.
* There needs to be more warning as to where enemies will spawn. Too often I found myself unwittingly in the middle of a swarm of enemies.
* What’s up with that draw distance, anyway?
* I prefer being able to see the whole screen at once in arcade games, but scrolling screens can work if the game is designed around it. This one isn’t. Enemies can shoot you from off screen, and it’s easy to get yourself cornered by accidentally running into a previously unseen group of enemies. A radar would help, but would be a quick, lazy fix.
* Some enemies don’t feel like they belong in this mode, like those big tall dudes. They’re fine as bosses in adventure mode, but fighting them while holding off other cannon fodder is a right pain in the bottom.
* This isn’t so much an arcade mode as a survival mode. There’s a difference! I’d like a more carefully constructed arcade mode, please.

END IMPRESSIONS. It’s hard to be too rough on it since it’s in alpha, but I also really want it to become the game it has the potential to be. Of course, it has an editor, so perhaps the community will fix it instead.

Also, remind me to write about Robotron.

BONUS CONTENT:

A top 100 list of Amiga games. I miss my Amiga.

A music video:

You may think the above baddie can see me, but I’m in cover mode so obviously you’re a PILLOCK. Just kidding, you’re a delight to be around!

Unfortunately jumping over tiny obstacles wasn’t part of my SUPER DUPER SPY TRAINING. You can only interact with the environment when you can see a little icon.

Sometimes the AI just flips out and stops moving all together, such as with this gentleman below who has become entranced by the fine job the builders did on this wall.

SUCH WALLMANSHIP.

I took these “screenshots” with my phone camera. I hope you can’t see my reflection because I was kind of naked at the time.

Anyway, despite the fact that Alpha Protocol is a bit of a buggy and glitchy affair, it’s worth playing.

Not for the core game, of course. That’s just a rather average stealth/action game with RPG elements shoehorned in, making an occasionally hilariously abstract experience that sways between enjoyable and tedious (fortunately, it swings towards the former more frequently once you’ve gained a few levels).

No, that’s just an elaborate disguise for what the game really is: a dating sim.

See, the only reason I picked this game up is because I heard it does wonderful things with choices and relationships. And it does! The way you act, talk to people and the choices you make (even if they lack any subtlety) shape how the story unfolds. The interactions with NPCs are great; they will work against you or cease contact if you piss them off, while you can form friendships and partnerships with others. You can even email friends when you’re in a different country! And the writing is actually convincing and mostly believable! Wow!

It’s not perfect. The choices are very transparent for example (something the original Deus Ex managed to avoid quite well) and it’s made a little too obvious what people want to hear which in turn makes the characters feel a little too simple. It also feels like it’s simplifying relationships in general by having a metric for how much someone likes you, but it’s still more impressive than any mainstream game I’ve played in a long, long time.

The story also masquerades as a political thriller when it’s more accurate to call it an erotic thriller. It’s about HAVING IT OFF WITH AS MANY BROADS AS POSSIBLE. You can attempt to chat up basically every homosapian equipped with a vagina you meet, which I naturally did because I’m a big ol’ hussy.

It was never a matter of making the best choices for the mission, or preventing the deaths of civilians. It was all about making the choices that would help me get my leg over. That’s British speak for “achieving sexual congress with someone/thing”.

Keeping with the James Bondish nature of my character, I was hoping to have a threesome with the two main love interests while leaping out of a burning helicopter only to land sensually in a hot tub where we continue to exchange bodily fluids. In a romantic way, of course.

Unfortunately this didn’t happen, so I had to settle with bonking the two of them separately.

Still, MISSION SUCCESS.

The funniest thing is, despite the fact that it’s a totally ridiculous spy tale, it feels more believable than any actual dating sim I’ve played.

NOTE: A friend told me that he agrees with me except he felt it was more of a sociopath sim than a dating sim. I’d argue that they’re basically the same thing.

BONUS CONTENT:

I find this girl in Alpha Protocol a bit attractive (as attractive as a videogame character can be, anyway), too bad she’s likely too young for me. I think it’s just the crazy hair, the metal embedded in her face and the tattoos she likely has. I’m a sucker for all those things despite the fact I’ve never dated a girl with any of them. Not so big on all the make-up.

She’s also an assassin/body guard and can’t speak. So I guess I have a thing for mute killers?

ADDITIONALLY:

Check out this awesome browser game, Sky Island! It’s built around an incredibly unique mechnic where you can shift the 2D world around in 3D, in order to finish the level. A bit tricky to get the hang of it (tip: pay close attention to how the pink blocks move as they tend to shift large distances), but I played it all the way to the end. The boss fight is boring, but everything else is enjoyable.

Especially the bright, cheery aesthetics.

Great concept, I bet you’ll be seeing hacks ripping off this idea in upcoming games! I hear one is even entered in the IGF this year!

And that’s a good thing.

I love both food and games, so I jump on and devour chances to combine the two. It’s for this reason I risked the well-being of my bowels by recreating the “Sinners” Sandwich as seen in Deadly Premonition.

As a side note, if you haven’t played this game yet, you need to. It’s basically Twin Peaks: The Videogame and is what I wanted Alan Wake to be. Another comparison could be an alternate Shenmue that isn’t boring. Some bits of it are terrible (car handling, shooty bits that last for ages), but it’s worth putting up with the bad to see the truly amazing things it does.

I don’t think I need to go into a great deal of detail with the recipe. I used processed turkey slices, strawberry jam and cornflakes. Oh, and bread and butter!

I didn’t share the same enthusiasm for the curious concoction as Agent Francis York Morgan. It was tasty enough and a fun novelty snack, but didn’t quite blow my tongue to my feet. The cornflakes simply added a little crunch and the jam and turkey didn’t go that well together. Unsurprisingly.

I tried it again with better ingredients. I used REAL turkey, freshly shaved, and Honey Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. It did taste quite a bit better, but it’s still definitely a novelty snack rather than something one would eat regularly.

I have found a sandwich capable of knocking my socks across the room, though. It’s known as The Lister.

It is seriously one of the greatest sandwiches I have ever eaten. It was like there was a party in my mouth where everyone was porking!

BONUS CONTENT

Hilarity comic idea: A chap is walking down the street. He is smiling but looks very dirty and smelly. On his shirt it says “war”. The caption reads: “War. War never changes.”

That was a sly reference to Fallout! And Ron Perlman! The manliest of all men.

Also, another Japanese developer made a game obviously inspired by Twin Peaks, back on the PSOne.